Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.