Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?