Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES