Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
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It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A completely valid reaction tbh
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir