Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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Worst bar ever.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.