I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
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My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Some of y’all tomorrow …
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song