Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
You Might Also Like
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
No regrets in 2018
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.