I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
You Might Also Like
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time