He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
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Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes