When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION