Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
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He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
forgive me baja for i have blast
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”