“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.