*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…