Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
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So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.