Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse