I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
You Might Also Like
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”