Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge