Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
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News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.