Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…