@Maxine12333

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

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@sarcasticmommy4

When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”

@roxiqt

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

@UnFitz

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

@Skoog

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

@OBiiieeee

Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.

@dxvidjb

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@jwoodham

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

@dorsalstream

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]