The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband