The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

You Might Also Like


When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”


Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.


Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”


Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*


Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.


I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭


~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE


DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.


I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”


I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]