Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!