ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands