What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good