[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…