A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!