Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE