my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
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Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.