It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
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The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Jogging
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool