It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.