Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Sex so good you see dead people.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?