Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.