The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
You Might Also Like
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.