Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
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You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Real House Wines.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
You are not alone 💚
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.