i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
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[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Quadruple digit IQ
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.