Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
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[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME