*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,