*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Have kids, they said
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.