i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
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if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
A classic…
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?