[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Good point.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
my favorite genre of twitter
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure