my favorite genre of twitter
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Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.