grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
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I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage