I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
#Caturday
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
the dark web is just a goth google.