4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
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You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
They did not think through this water fountain
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
every single time
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
The A string on my guit_r is flat
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try