You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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Ok who’s got my black socks?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
set yourself free xox
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.