While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
You Might Also Like
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The two types of wives
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Well, my evening plans are ruined
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…