Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
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Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
lost dog
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
My new favorite headline
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the đź•ł symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Beware of the “party goblin”…
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.