Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
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nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*