Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
When I said I liked it rough.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Fidel Castro was alive?
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.