A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
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Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope