Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.