Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.

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DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby


Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.


My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.


Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.


Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about


Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.


Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue