me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
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Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup